Prediction: Jack's Brother Lives

My apologies for taking such a long time off, I've been pretty bogged down with finals.

-Monday night, better known as My Favorite Night of TV, is back, and only 7 days after our last Monday night. This plot with Jack's brother seems like the biggest stretch yet on 24, which is saying something considering last year's 24 had the President helping out the terrorists. Apparently the writers do not draw out a full story arc before the season starts, so they have no idea where the story is actually going until about four episodes beforehand. This is the first time I can think of where it seemed like the show was written that way. Just seems kind of bush. Also, just a few episodes ago, Jack was having trouble bringing himself to torture people properly and committing to helping CTU on these new threats. Now, within ten minutes of seeing his brother for the first time in 36 years he's ready to move to suffocation even though he has no idea that his brother is involved in any of the terrorism?

The grade for 24 thus far? Awfome. (awful and awesome, at the same time)

-New feature today: Guess Who's a Terrorist. Here are the rules: based on what you've seen so far this year, pick who you think are the surprise terrorists that will be revealed down the line. Here are my picks...

-Milo or Morris: I mean one of these guys has to be a terrorist, right? I think the obvious choice would be Morris, since he's real awkward and a total douchebag. That's why I'm going with Milo. When Jack figures out that Milo is a terrorist and Milo knows that Jack knows, I hope Jack asks him, "Why the long face, Milo?"

-The President's sister: if she's not a terrorist, she's at least a cuntrag. She's been about as annoying as Sherry Palmer from the first couple seasons, and we know S. Palmer was a terrorist. I'm applying that same logic here. Plus, she's acting real fishy. Definitely a terrorist.

-Assad: I might be completely off on this one, but I'm not buying the terrorist-turned-good storyline with this clown. Jack's gonna regret shooting Curtis in the neck once this guy goes bad. Although he's probably happy that at least one of the people on the show who always speaks in that breathy whisper is finally gone for good. Now all they need is someone to take out the prez.

-The real reason I haven't written in like 9 days is because I had been keeping a stableside vigil over everybody's favorite crippled superstar (no, not Steve Hawking), Barbaro. It's been a riveting ride ever since he fucked himself up at the Preakness last year, but today he finally got the Kevorkian treatment. I send my condolences to Hank Goldberg, Pat Forde, and Barbaro himself through this bizarre messageboard: http://www.vet.upenn.edu/barbaro/messageboard.php . Since most of the messages on the board are addressed to Barbaro himself, I guess the posters have made several leaps of faith: 1) that there is an afterlife for horses, 2) that, in this afterlife, the horses are afforded internet access, and 3) that these horses are literate. It is true that I'm only posting these snarky comments because I'm jealous of Barbaro's message board traffic. Type Slow will be lucky to get that many hits over the entirety of its existence. Whatever, at least there's a point to visiting our website, even if that point is to look smart in front of your co-workers.

-Here's the best indication I've seen that hockey has become completely irrelevant. Last Wednesday (Wednesday?), the NHL held its annual mid-winter classic. I'm not sure where the All-Star game was played or on what channel it appeared. However, I do know that an Andy Griffith rerun on TV Land toppled it in the Nielsen ratings. I mean, holy shit, right? If I had to guess, I would've said Book TV on C-Span 2 gets better ratings than Andy Griffith reruns on TV Land. That's some pathetic stuff right there, NHL. In the all time falls from grace, where does the NHL rank? Provide feedback in the comments. And yes, you have my permission to send this in to Simmons to see if it will make it into a mailbag (as long as you are pimping for Type Slow in the same email...please).

-RE: the Pats-Colts game. I don't really have much to add here. I was pretty confident the Pats were gonna win this game and, really, they should have. Whatever - it sucks, it stinks, and it sucks. This was a pretty brutal loss, but the difference here was the timing of it. Had this occurred in, say, 1999, I would've been catatonic for like a week. Shit, I remember when they lost to the Belichick-led Browns in the '96 playoffs and the 12-year-old version of me damn near needed therapy. Three Super Bowls add a little perspective I guess. I feel like a huge jerk saying something like that, but it's true. Just another reason why sports will never be the same for me or really any Boston fan after the early '00s. We peaked. Although, a great Celtics team could change everything. Go Pacers (tomorrow night)!

-Anybody have a spare computer they wanna send to their favorite blogger? Mine Barbaroed recently.

-That's all for today. Smalls? Anything?

Peace and Old Navy Performance Fleece.

"Type Slow" hanging on by a thread

So, just for kicks, I tried to search for this blog on the "Blog" section of the main Google search page. Here are some of the search queries I used:

• type slow
• "Type Slow"
• "Speckled Trout"
• "Speckled Trout" AND "Smalls"
• "Speckled Trout" AND "Type Slow"
• "Fox" AND "Robot"
• "Mangini" AND "Belichick" AND "Speckled Trout" AND "Hills"

I couldn't find this thing to save my life. I even tried using the old school search engine language with the operators (AND / OR) and quotes. Isn't blgospot owned/operated by google? I kept returning a hit for slow cookers and the optimal way to play a handheld poker game (by typing slow, of course). I just don't get it. How are we going to get our viewership up if a random web surfer cannot even find us via Google?!?

I think we may have to resort to plugging in all sorts of commonly searched buzz words, like that blog Trout referred to last week. Damn the man. (Cari would be so proud)

Anyway, why so quiet Trout? I know you've been busy at work, but how could you not comment on the Pats loss. Hell, I woulda taken a two word post ("Peyton sucks." "Trade Caldwell." "Go Bears."). Bill Simmons posted on Monday when he usually publishes articles only on Wednesdays and Fridays. This was an important event for a blogging Pats fan to provide commentary for his thirsty readers. Fix yourself, get your priorities straight, and post a fucking message.

coupla random Sunday observations

- I don't like Fox's coverage of the NFL. Terry Bradshaw. Joe Buck. NFC teams. All suck. But what bothered me most during the Bears-Saints game was the inferior segways between commercials and the game. Fox has had that music for as long as I can remember, but it's worse than the CBS football jingle (and definitely worse than NFL Countdown / MNF). The thing that really killed me was that stupid robot football player that runs in place at bottom of the screen. This robot does a Barry Sanders-esque, stop-and-go stutter move... over and over again. Why a robot? What does that have to do with anything? Wouldn't a football graphic or a Fox logo make more sense there? I know, I know. Why do I care about this? I'm not sure why this music/robot combo bothers me now; I've seen about 10 games covered by Fox this season. Maybe it's because I am indifferent about the game. The NFC. Sigh.

- As I write this, Peyton throws a 1-yard TD pass on first down. He has a shitload of these every season. Every other team runs in that situation. I think Peyton calls that bootleg to the tight end to pad his stats (maybe Dallas Clark is on his fantasy team?). If it ain't broke, don't fix it? Note: former Patriot Dan Klecko caught that ball. Haven't seen him in a few years - he really let himself go. Guy's gotta be 320.

- I really wish there was another 4 hour, Sunday-Monday airing of 24. I'm more into that than the NFL right now.

- I have now had two separate requests to discuss more hoops on the blog. Your thoughts?

Random thoughts on the NFL

Bill Belichick has rolled out 5 solid teams in 6 years. Naturally, other ballclubs have picked off senior members of his staff over the years. However, starting with Eric Mangini, we are in the beginning of the newest fad in football - young, smart, cocky, energic head coaches who can relate to players while being able to keep them in line (and buy into the quirks of the system).

Romeo Crennel, a hot offseason commodity just a few seasons ago, has not fared so well. Charlie Weis, while bringing Notre Dame back into the CFB coversion, gets mixed reviews for failing to win a big bowl after two reasonably successful seasons in South Bend. The departures of Crennel and Weis were the catalysts for the newest flavor of the league. Like Belichick, they were desciples of Bill Parcells. Not surprisingly, both Crennel and Weis have coaching styles akin to Parcellsian football thought- Crennel's hard-nosed defense (yet to materialize in Clevelend) and Weis' star QB-centric offense (Brady Quinn, a product of the system?).

The hiring of Eric Mangini by the Jets marked the first purely Bill Belichick coaching offspring. Now that he took a star-less Jets team to the playoffs (5-6 wins better than expert projections), look for the copious copy-happy NFL front offices to look for guys in the Mangini mold. First, and I don't even know the answer to this (Trout, I'll need your input), who, if any, are bright, young assistants/coordinators for the Pats right now? You gotta be thinking another 1-2 head coaches will come from Belichick himself. The next degree of separation is Mangini, where Brian Schottenheimer already has his feelers out, waiting for the a job that's a good fit for him (I bet he takes over the Chargers after next season - move over, Pop). If the Pats/Jets lose another assistant/coordinator/ball boy, Belichick (and hopefully Mangini) will find the next hard-working, NESCAC graduate who sleeps under 4 hours a day because he's up late watching game film or drawing up next week's most outside-the-box formations.

The Bobby Petrino hiring in Atlanta sort of follows these conventions. He was hired based on his ability to take dynamic players and create an innovative offense around them (I guess Herpenator #7 falls into this category). So, the question is, who is Al Davis going to hire? Rumor has it that he is interested in Denny Green. Isn't he the exact same guy as Art Shell? This old-school style of coaching is very quickly becoming an obsolete style of coaching. How the hell does Tom Coughlin still have a job? I won't get into Marty Schottenheimer in this post (note: I had half of a monster post prodding for Marty's resignation after last week's horrendous loss, but I accidentally closed the browser).

On a related note, the Chargers and Bears really crapped the bed for me last weekend. I could write another 3000 words about those games, but I think it's better for everyone that I accept defeat and make this weekend's picks.

Patriots (+3) at Indy.

I really want the Pats to lose here. But no sane sports fan can bet on Peyton and the Colts in this matchup. No matter what, this one will be close. Hate to admit it, but you should never bet against Brady and Belichick against Peyton and Dungy. I hope I lose this one.

The Pick: Pats 27, Colts 20

Chicago (-2.5) versus New Orleans

So, basically, Vegas thinks the Saints are a better team. They looked great last week, but that was against a team lacking superior talent at every position outside of the secondary. I think the Bears D will be able to shut down Duece between the tackles, which stops the Saints from setting up the passing game and the Reggie Bush game.

The Pick: Bears 20, Saints 10

Shacklin the Masses

-Guess what happened this weekend? All four road teams covered, with the two AFC dogs winning outright. I hope you followed the steps I layed out in my last post. If you were able to carry out steps 1 and 2, you most certainly were able to accomplish step 4. And if at any time you got step 3 done, well that's just icing on the cake. Another 4-0 weekend for the trout against the spread (3-1 in the pick'em format). Quick thoughts on the games:

• The Indy game was a fucking snoozefest. Typical Baltimore-style game, I hate that team and I'm glad they're out.
• Philly-NO was the game of the weekend, except I can't really remember anything about it. Draw your own conclusions as to why that might be the case.
• After watching the NFC games this weekend, it seems like Chicago is going to get hammered next weekend unless they are playing in -10 degree weather with hurricane (named Ditka) force winds. They look like crap, while my man Deuce and the rest of the Saints look dangerous. I don't think there's any question about who most folks will be pulling for from here on out. When the Pats and Saints win next week, what percentage of the country will be pulling for the Pats, 10-15%?
• The Pats game was certainly entertaining, but that was some seriously sloppy shit. I still can't believe we won that game, although SD definitely did not deserve it. SD's execution was about as crisp as Fayed's Sunday night on 24. That play by Troy Brown, though. Holy shit. I love that guy. An absolutely indispensable guy from the dynasty. The Pats better retire his number.

This weekend wasn't all about football, though, as we saw the premieres of 24, The Hills, Rome, and Extras as well as the continuation of The White Rapper Show. Let's break these down separately.

• 24: I had heard one of the main characters was going down early, but I assumed it would be Audrey (mostly because she sucks and brings nothing to the table). I didn't see it coming with big Curtis; I was pretty stunned with this one. I've read several takes on his death this morning and most people weren't surprised at all and aren't really all that broken up about it. Why wouldn't Jack just shoot him in the leg or something? Why didn't Curtis take out Assad while he was falling down and dying for like 45 seconds? I also thought it was great in the previews for next week where Buchanan was like "I thought you were done?" and Jack followed that with "Not after this!" Man, I did not see that coming. I really thought this show was fucked now that Jack was hanging it up. Naturally, it was laughable that Jack was back on his feet within 20 minutes of being released by the Chinalians and kicking ass. And it was laughable that Kumar was playing a high school kid. And it was laughable when Morris and Milo sorta got into it. OK, there were like 17 times where I laughed at the ridiculousness, but who gives a shit? As always, enormously fun to watch. What a show.
• The Hills: Brought the pain. Despite giving us no context for the dismissal of beard kid or the riff between Hi-D and Audrina, I loved every second of this show. The scene where LC and Whitney first went into the editor's office for a discussion of each other's summers, I thought LC showed some remarkable restraint. Could she have been blamed for knifing the editor right there? "Lauren, on the other hand, chose not to go to Paris and stayed with her boyfriend, how'd that work out for you?" Great stuff. Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention what appears to be this season's breakout star: Spencer. This kid appears to be a smoother version of beard kid and also might be the most loathsome character on TV these days. Playing Heidi like that...well I just hope he has a run-in with a pack of chainsaw-wielding, rabid wolverines. Yo Heidentification, it's all good even if you're pregnant, I still love you.
• Rome: Not sure if I like this show that much. I think people give it more leeway because its an HBO joint, even though it's not really any better than your run of the mill network drama. A lot more tatters though. Clearly, I'll be watching the rest of the season, but don't let anyone try to convince you that it's in the same realm as Sopranos/Wire. In fact, punch them in the face if they try to tell you anything of the like.
• Extras: Good start for the second season of this show, particularly the scene with Andy giving direction to the old actor. This show was not that good last year, despite what people who worship at the Ricky Gervais altar would have you know. Orlando Bloom was actually pretty hysterical in the first episode, and the Thin White Duke delivers in the second. You should probably watch this show.
• White Rapper Show: Eh. It was ok. Actually, maybe not. This show kinda sucks. Sullee was the only one with a good verse. Plus they kicked the hot chick off the show, who wasn't all that hot anyway. Looks like Sunday night is pretty stacked this year, so this one might fall out of the rotation.

-Finally, American Idol comes back tonight. You can call me whatever you want, but I love this show in the first few weeks before they get it down to the more talented people. You watch it tonight and tell me it's not hilarious.

Ok, goodbye.

bad guy on 24

This guy Fayed looks like a morph between Herm Edwards and Zinedine Zidane.

NFL picks

Patroits @ Chargers (-4.5)
Isn't it amazing that all four remaining AFC teams probably would be favored to go to Miami next month if they were in the NFC? Not that it gaurantees they'll stop him, but the Pats D is clearly going to key on LT. They have to. This game will be decided by how well Phillip Rivers can beat the Patriots battered secondary. Expect a big game out of Antonio Gates. Oh, and the Chargers have the best defensive player in the NFL. He's on steroids. He did not win the defensive player of the years. And he's pissed.

The pick: San Diego 27, Patroits 13

Colts @ Ravens (-3.5)
This is the first year in the last few where the Colts have not been a Super Bowl favorite at this point in the season. I think it helps them fly under the radar, for once, to beat the slightly-favored Ravens. There's been a lot of buzz about the pressure on Peyton. Why is everyone so worried? He's the most durable QB in the league (assuming Favre hangs 'em up). This guy could easily be like Elway, winning his first title 10 years from now. And who even cares if he doesn't win a Super Bowl? Dan Marino does not have a ring and I do not hear critics ripping his career these days. Everyone remembers Marino's records, and he hasn't even been out of the game for that long. Back to this week's matchup - this Colts team has an abominable defense. Luckily, they're playing the Ravens. Do I see a Vinatieri GW FG in the cards?

The pick: Colts 23, Ravens 20

Seahawks @ Bears (-8.5)
This spread is huge. In this case, it's a non factor. I cannot bet on the Seahawks anymore. I lost money on the SB last year, and lost again betting on them to beat the Bears earlier this season (and I was given 10.5 points). I am done randomly defending this team. They have no heart. They've just gone through the motions all season. Remember when Matt Hasselback was an exuberant, rising QB who has the nuts to announce to a visiting stadium that the Hawks would "Take the ball and... score!" ??? He would have been the 4th QB on my fantasy team this season. Over/Under on Shaun Alexander's rush yards? I'm going to guess 55.

The Pick: Bears 21, Seahawks 10

Eagles @ New Orleans (-5)
The Saints are not that good. Good thing the Eagles are even worse. For me, this is the least interesting game in the second round of the NFL playoffs that I can remember. At this point, the New Orleans revival story is very old (although I gaurantee that's how the media covers this game). My editor is forcing me to include "In the wake of Hurricane Katrina" in this post to keep our blog consistent with the media masses. So here it goes: "In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the Saints made the playoffs, then got the shit kicked out of them when they realized they were two years away from being a legit Super Bowl contender." Count on a big game from Brian Westbrook, who I actually enjoyed watching for the first time ever last week.

The Pick: Eagles 30, Saints 24

Breaking News

After starting out like the Jasmine St. Claires of blogging, we needed a day off for things like recharging our batteries, sifting through all the fan mail, turning down more lucrative offers to write for higher profile blogs, and, um, working. Oh, but we're back today, faithful Type Slow reader. Despite feeling like shit and being tired as hell - thanks to an ill-advised Wednesday night out on the town - I'm attempting to bring the pain today.

This weekend has the potential to be an all-timer given the options on the tube, plus we get Monday off (by the way, we did not get MLK Day off in Denver - fucking racists). No fewer than three of the four games have 'classic' potential. Throw in the fact that Jack, LC, and Heidi all become part of our lives again, and we're looking at one of the best weekends in at least two weeks. Methinks the DTs coming on Monday morning could be rather violent.

Anyway, today's topic is game picking. I'm about to pick games and win you money. I realize that not all of you know me, but know this: I'm good at picking things. Football games, scabs, poorly thrown pigskins, noses, you name it. Steps to follow today after reading this include: 1) call bookie, 2) give bookie my picks, 3) make her open the box, and 4) win money. So far this postseason, I'm four and oh. The strategy I generally employ for pick-making is to always side with the team that is going to win money for me, and that's mostly because I like winning money. To make this a little more fair so Smalls even has a chance, I'm gonna make these picks with one hand tied behind my back. Yes, typing that way may mean I might not get this published before the games start, but it's only fair. So here we go...

Indianapolis @ Baltimore (-3.5)
It seems like almost everyone is picking Baltimore to win this game for some reason. And that reason is because they are stupid. This is one of those games where each team's strength matches up with the other's strength, and the same holds true for their weaknesses. Conventional wisdom says that defense wins. Well, fuck convention. Indy has the great Peyton Manning, who has proven over and over that he simply cannot be stopped when the calendar flips over to January. What has Steve McNair ever done? The closest he ever got to winning the Super Bowl was driving the Titans to within a yard of the game-winning touchdown. And it was a long yard. OK, so history is definitely not on my side and says bet against Manning and the Colts because they are the football version of Slappy McBluelips. Whatever. If Aaron Brooks can keep finding employment as a starting quarterback in the NFL, anything can happen. I'm going Colts with the outright win, it's too early for Peyton to choke.

Philadelphia @ New Orleans (-5)
This is a hard game to pick, but since I'm not doing anything else and it's kind of the point of this post, I'm going to go ahead and pick it. Philly has been mowing through teams like the Legend through chicks at the 2006 Brewster High Winter Formal. New Orleans has a lot of good things going for it, like an overwhelming home field advantage and the entire country pulling for it, plus the team is kinda good. But everyone knows you can't win a Divisional Playoff game with a gay quarterback (I know, it's an unsubstantiated claim, but can we possibly question Terrell Owens's credibility at this point?) unless you are the 1969 Jets. I think it will be close, with the difference being a John Carney field goal. Saints march on, but Philly covers.

Seattle @ Chicago (-8.5)
The main thing this line tells us is that crack is still widely available to oddsmakers in Vegas. This is the playoffs, for Peter Party's sake! Who cares if Seattle should have lost and probably would have a tough time competing in 5A Florida High School Football. This is the NFC goddammit! No team in the playoffs these days is really 8.5 points better than another, especially in the NFC. I'm calling a push with Chicago taking it 28.5-20. Psych. Chicago will win, but Seattle will cover. Take the points

New England @ San Diego (-4.5)
Better known as: The Only Game That Matters. Look at the facts: 1) We got Brady, 2) We got Belichick, 3) We got Vinny, 4) We've already seen SD once earlier this year, 5) They got Marty, and 6) P-Riv is ascared of Vince Wilfork. Also, Brady has never lost consecutive Divisional Playoff games. Look that shit up. OK, admittedly, I'm nervous for this game. These aren't the invincible Pats of 2004 and the Bolts have lots of good players. I think this is gonna be a close game and you know who we turn to when the games are close. Too bad he's a Bitch Horsey. None of that noise I said before matters; I think the Pats are losing this game. But at least they'll cover for us!

Yeah, so taking the road dog in all four Divisional Playoff games is pretty crazy. Crazy like a fox.

Til next time.

I got no title. I got no title in my headphones. There you go.

The first season of Flavor of Love was absolutely incredible. Flavor Flav consisently uttered retarded comments which, somehow, were hysterical every time. At one point, I could roll off a few classic quotes, but I can't recall them anymore. My interest in the second season, and in the I Love New York show, is non-existent at this point. The new show (Flavor of Love 2 - I have not seen I Love New York yet, and probably won't even give it a chance) seems more contrived to me. The last episode I saw was when the fat black chick shit herself and had it plop down on the stairs. It was more vomit-inducing than funny.

Kiefer actually mentioned some stupid story about his failing band manager gig on Conan last night, too. I hadn't heard the story about tackling the tree while he was half in the gutter. He doesn't strike me as a fun-loving, party guy. Russell Crowe, on the other hand, definitely can throw down. I'd hang with him over Kiefer any day.

You failed to discuss the status of our fantasy hoops matchup this week. Me 9, Speck 0. It's early, but my team is asserting its obvious superiority early. (In his defense, he's playing without Rashard Lewis and Yao, but I just lost Michael Redd for a month or two).

We should make our picks for the NFL games for this weekend. Maybe in the Thursday edition of "Type Slow?"

Belichick's shove, then hug

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2725265

Did you notice that? I saw it and thought he'd be under more heat. It was a huge hit on that photographer. Hell, Pennington would have been out 4-6 weeks if he took that hit.

It would have been awesome drama if Mangini refused the hug with by extending a stiff-armed handshake. I'm actually glad that the Mangini-Belichick apprentice-mentor fued is done. I'd rather hear about TO skipping a Wednesday morning team workout.

I Love NY, FBall, Ghetto Revival

-UF v. OSU: Real boring game. OSU got completely outclassed after the Ginn TD return to start the game, obviously. What is interesting about this is that UF was given basically zero chance to win this game, despite playing the toughest schedule any team has played in like five years and going 11-1. Ohio St beat one team all year, UF beat about 4 or 5 great teams. It's impossible to know how these teams from different regions/conferences stack up. Playoff please. This game reminded me a lot of the Lakers/Pistons series in 2004, where the only question going in was "Lakers in four or five?" The outcome seemed like a huge upset, but the process of getting there was entirely uninteresting (Pistons won in 5; UF 41- OSU 14).

I, like you Smalls, only watched the game intermittently, flipping around to several promising new shows that I will delve into a little more in a second. I wanted to contrast the complete indifference toward the game of people up here in New York to the reactions down in Florida. It's not only you and I that don't give a shit about college football up here - it's basically everyone we know up here (save for the Legend). Meanwhile, my sister drove the three hours to Gainesville from Orlando to watch with some Gator folks, and both her and my dad gave me the excited postgame call generally reserved for big Sox/Pats wins. I felt kind of bad as they enthusiastically wanted to rehash the game, mostly because I had no idea what really happened. Plus, I didn't give a shit.

-Yeah, Kiefer acquits himself pretty well on those talk shows. I believe he was on Conan about a year ago discussing how he was on tour with this band he was producing and he got into this story about how he was all hammered and ended up tackling a Christmas tree in the lobby of some hotel. We could probably be friends.

-I guess the Knicks could win the Atlantic, or as Hollinger has taken to saying, "not lose the Atlantic." I'm pretty sure that at this point, when the good West teams play the Celtics, the coaches insist on getting in things like five passes before a shot and only taking off-hand layups to improve dexterity. In fact, the Mavs should only be allowed to play four players at a time anytime they play a team in the Atlantic. Who will win the division? Isn't that kind of like asking who will win the East in the WNBA? Who cares. I'm just pulling for every team that plays the Celtics, so they can lock up a pick just outside the Oden-Durant-Noah troika and get the next Ron Mercer.

-I Love New York: Did you catch the wildly entertaining spinoff of Flavor of Love? Contestants featured included the real life Grimace, a white guy nicknamed Romance who cried every time on camera (obviously an actor, but still hysterical), a guy nicknamed Mr. Boston (again, clearly an actor and pictured here, who, in the preview for next week's show, dribbled a basketball like he was blindfolded), and some dude who looked like a cracked out T.I. and seemed like he was on the verge of capping Mr. Boston. Thanks, VH1.

-The White Rapper Show: A lot like Studio 60, this show could have been awesome given the interesting premise. For the most part, they stay away from making the white guys/girls look like assclowns by steering away from making the tired "this guy's white and he's doing black stuff" jokes, which was a good start. However, they also forget to get people with talent. There is definitely a compelling show in here with the contestants gunning for the respect of established rappers and people in the hood. But it's impossible to believe the scenes that show them getting that respect, because the rappers are garbage. That said, I think we might have a breakout star on our hands with the guy named John Brown, who appears to be incapable of saying anything other than "Ghetto Revival." Here's a typical exchange (paraphrased) with our man Brown:

Persia: Yo, so what are you talking about with this ghetto revival, you're from Davis, CA?
Brown: You know, like, I'm bringin this ghetto revival.
Persia: Yeah, but what does that mean?
Brown: It's, like, a revival, but in the ghetto.
Persia: ....
Brown: ....
Persia: How can you revive the ghetto when you call yourself the King of the 'burbs?
Brown: Cuz I'm the King of the 'burbs.
Persia: Man, fuck you, you're not a rapper!
Brown: I know, I'm an entity. Ghetto revival, what.

Economic Sociology, U of F, 24, Cialis

Did I catch a Max Weber reference? He's a bowler? I thought he was an economic sociologist.

So, I watched somewhere between 7 and 10 minutes of the football game last night. I got home from work real late, ate dinner, watched CSI:Miami, and did some work that I didn't finish at the office before I even thought to turn on the game. I said something along the lines of, "I always thought UF was kind of a Streisand, but they are really rockin the shit in this one." Ok, just kidding. Love 40 Year Old Virgin, one of my new favorites. By the way, what's the Type Slow's stance on cursing in blog posts?

Saw Kiefer Sutherland on Conan last night. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. He talked about how he loves living in East LA (yes, he shares a home with Cheech), going on to discuss the locals "cooking food on the sidewalks" and how he got mugged a few weeks back. How does someone attempt to mug Jack Bauer... and mug him succesfully?!? Kiefer must be a complete puss in real life. But, hey, at least he's a genuinely nice guy.

Random thought: have you seen the newest Cialis commercials? Cari had been telling me for a week how much she has hated all these E.D. ads, but especially despised the new Cialis spot. When I finally saw it, I totally agree. The ad is highlighing the longer time period of effectiveness - now up to 36 hours. So, it opens up with this older couple, each about mid- to late-60s, giving each other the eye as they caress and begin to head upstairs. Just as they are about to seal the deal, a few small kids (presumably their grandchildren) barge through the front door. No worries... we have 36 hours to kill with the grandkids before we have disgusting, old-people sex! Christ.

Back to the sports world, who is going to win the NBA's Atlantic division? The Nets are clearly the most talented, the Raptors have a nice little squad, and everyone else is hanging around. But you know what team I like here - the New York Kniggas. Thats right, a revitalized Stephon Marbury, a giant oaf at Center who drops 17 and 7 a night, D. Lee (David, not Derek) with double-doubles left and right, and a quality cast off the bench. They play no D, and have some very poor shooting nights (Q is back from injury, by the way. They're completely healthy), but that just could be enough to go .500 and win the division. Thoughts? You takin your Celts?

More Importantly

OK, enough of this Jets crap.

-Three bowlers, without the aid of google:

1) Pete Weber - better known as PDW. Wasn't this the guy who adopted those WWF-like antics introducing the bowling world to shit-talking, playing to the crowd, and the fake "heroes and villains" angle? Ahead of his time really.

2) Dick Weber - Patriarch of the great Weber clan that included both PDW and Max. His family could bowl you out of the alley, taunt you while doing it, and then discuss the social implications afterward over some sauerkraut and Haake Beck.

3) Earl Something (edit: Anthony, fuck - how did I forget that?) - Ah, the Earl of Anthony. Was said to have known the boards better than anyone who ever lived. Not related to Carmelo, although he can be seen in the background of the obscure (but essential) bluegrass video "Stop Snitchin'"

-You ever actually watch bowling? Those guys are incredible. Although I'm convinced that if all I did all day was practice bowling and could situate the pins any way I wanted so I knew every shot in the book - I would be right nasty. I'm already pretty good, as my 2005 Sage Hospitality Resources Company Bowling Champion title belt would indicate. All I need is a 12 pound ball, a fist full of "free bowling game" tickets, a sponsor like Brunswick or PDW's Truck Detail or Skoal, and a chain smoking habit. Remember when wearing bowling shirts had its run of popularity in the mid-90s? You know, like the shirts guys like Double Down Trent might've worn? Thank god for the invention of the mirror in the late 90s. Things were fucking hideous.

-OK, regarding your point about Jack dropping a deuce or eating a sandwich or whatever....I have thought about this just like everyone else, and it pisses me off that people bring this up as a flaw or even care about it. This seems to bother everybody besides me. Would it be, in any way, satisfactory to you to watch him take a shit for like 4 minutes? I mean, nothing but 4 minutes of Jack on the toilet, maybe trying to bang out a few clues of the LA Times crossword. This would be compelling television? Why do people complain about this? There are 14 minutes of each episode that we don't see where the characters could conceivably be relieving themselves or eating or taking care of the other mundane activities of day to day life. I don't understand why we need to see this. I bet if you actually track the amount of time that Jack is on screen, it is probably around 30 minutes per episode - maximum - which is two thirds of each show (counting commercials as roughly 14 minutes). This means for thirty minutes of each episode, we're not entirely sure what Jack is up to. That's 12 hours of the day where he could sneak a piss or drop the boys off or pound a sandwich! I don't understand why they need to explicitly show him doing these things?! Aren't there far more ridiculous things on the show that the viewer is required to go along with? I refuse to believe that, if in the 21st hour - when all hell is breaking loose - they show Jack casually sitting down for a McRib and some fries, anybody would find this satisfying. Although, it would be funny as hell and possibly the greatest "Fuck you TV watcher, OK? Happy now?" in the history of television.

-Finally, a discovery of vast implications was made last night at my palacial Brooklyn abode. Amidst an animated discussion questioning just what the hell Grimace is, we found that he has an Irish relative:

That's right, Uncle O'Grimacey.

Type slow, children, type slow.

Re: Weekend Thoughts

It's true that Brady's 2001 Pats had no running game to speak of, probably equivalent to the Leon Washington/Cedric Houston/Kevan Barlow/Derrick Blaylock era. But the Pats won that year because (a) they were real hot in the postseason, (b) were riding high after a new, young QB took over a veteran squad, and (c) they executed near perfection. From that improbable run, the foundation for the Belichick New England Patriots emerged, as they stockpiled talent while they're QB had not yet reached his maximum potential. Chad will NEVER be able to throw down field like Brady can. Because their offense is dynamic in the running, short passing, and periodic deep ball elements, the Pats are difficult to stop when they play well. The Jets can play pretty well and still lose to good teams with more talent. And even though the Jets as a team are on the up-and-up, Pennington probably has peaked. If the Patriots offense was limited to short passing, and if they never acquired Corey Dillon to stabilize the running game, they probably would not have won the other two Super Bowls. I guess I agree that it isn't out of the realm of legitimate possibility that the Jets can win it all, but given the state of the team (pretty good record = difficult draft day situation, few to no great players on either side of the ball, a QB who will never be better than slightly above league average), I don't see the Jets making that kind of run that a few teams have in recent history (as you noted). Besides, the Trent Dilfer Ravens were built on their historically awesome defense. The Bucs had 6 pro bowlers in 02 (Sapp, Rice, Brooks, Lynch, Alstott, and .... BRAD JOHNSON), not to mention a quality possession receiver in his prime (Keyshawn Johnson) and a good, quick halfback (Warrick Dunn). The Jets have maybe 4-5 guys who could be top tier players at their positions (Coles, D'Brick, Mangold, Vilma, Rhodes). Two of them are lineman; one is a MLB who does not fit the 3-4 defense perfectly.

Enough on the Jets. They're out, and it's time to watch PBA tournaments on Sunday afternoons. By the way, how hard do you think Berman has to restrain his laughter when he has to promote professional bowling during Sunday NFL countdown? Can you name 3 bowlers off the top of your head? Walter Ray Williams, Jr. That's all I got.

24 is one of three network TV shows that I regularly watch. The others pale in comparison. What are the odds of seeing Bauer dropping a 15 minute dump this season? Or eating a sandwich at his desk? Or tying his shoes? Every 24 fan has thought of this at least once per season. It won't look that ridiculous in the grand scheme of things (like if you watched them on DVD, a couple episodes at a time).

Are you suggesting that this 24 movie come out in theaters? That would be absurd. Obviously, I would go see it. But the only way that it would be preferrable to the two-hour, back-to-back day first four hours is if they made it an "R" rated movie. Bauer would be even more of a badass if he called everybody "Motherf*cker." Could Fox do it? Absolutely. In fact, that might set a precedent for other very popular TV shows... you know, like Deal or No Deal.

Oh yeah, there's some important CFB game on tonight. Not only do I not care that much, but I will be watching CSI:Miami more closely than that game. Horatio is a much more compelling personality than the wily Troy Smith.

Hey, remember the OC? First time in my life that I have ever felt relieved after a show was canceled. Either theyre good shows, and I'm pissed that they are canceled, or the show sucks and I didn't care because it sucked. The OC, and similar shows like The Hills and Laguna Beach, are entirely worthless to me.

Ok, time to work.

Weekend Thoughts

-The Jets-Pats tilt was definitely much closer than the final score might indicate, but at no point did I not think the Pats were gonna win. They were dragging ass for awhile and letting the Jets hang around all game to the point where I actually said, "What the hell, Pats? How bout you start winning this game?" Next play, Wilfork picks up the backwards lateral and over the next five minutes, speeds to the 15 setting up a Pats TD.

-I don't think I agree with you, Judge Smalls, about Chad's inability to lead the Jets to a Super Bowl. He's definitely serviceable and doesn't kill them nearly as often as it seems like he should. Of NFL starters, there are probably only ten guys I'd rather have running the show than Chad. He knows what he's doing and generally understands his own limitations, so that he does not force things particularly often. The only blatant mistake I can recall was the pick he gave up to Samuel at the end, where the situation dictated that he would have to try some crazy shit to get the Jets to make any noise. I don't think it's Chad's fault the Jets aren't serious contenders. I mean, would you rather have the 2002 version of Brad Johnson? Or the 2000 version of Trent Dilfer? Or even the 2001 version of Brady? What is all that different between Chad right now and the way the Pats used to let Brady play? The early '00s version of Brady threw the ball more than 10 yards maybe three or four times a game. It was all short passes. In fact, the short pass was essentially the Pats' version of a running game. They would run the ball a few times a game with the likes of the great Antowain Smith, but since he sucked, they opted for short passes all the time (kinda like the Jets) hoping for the occasional big play (kinda like the Cotchery TD). Chad won't be the guy leading the Jets to the Super Bowl, but they can definitely win one with him.

-That said, I don't watch the Jets that often, but it must just kill you to watch this guy play. Watching the game with our buddy Slothra, we noted that at least 17 of Chad's 40 passes looked like they should have been picked off and taken to the house by the guys in blue. I think they stopped showing the slo-mo replays after awhile because they didn't have enough time between plays. Holy shit, your boy (Scotty) Smalls had a better arm in the beginning of the Sandlot. He's like the football version of Tim Wakefield: solid guy to have, never looks too bad in the box score, but he feels like an impending train wreck whenever you watch him live.

-The way I feel right now, I'm just as excited for the opportunity to go back to sleep tonight as I am to watch the "national championship." There's just no buzz for this game anymore. Not that I get all that hyped for any college football game, but this has the chance to be a pretty great game. And it's impossible for me to care any less. The NFL playoffs just blew this thing off the radar. College football is the only sport that peaks in the first half of its season. What a joke. Who cares?

-I'll tell you what I do care about: next Sunday we get reintroduced to the immortal Jack Bauer. Here's a question - what if Fox, instead of running the first four episodes in two hour allotments on back-to-back days, released the first four episodes as a 3 hour movie (4 episodes minus about an hour of commercials)? Think about it, Fox obviously has the requisite footage for a 3 hour movie since they are showing it all next week, everybody who watches 24 would HAVE to go see this movie due to the nature of the show, and probably 90% of those people would see it within a week of its release (with the other 10% tivoing subsequent episodes until they got around to seeing the movie). This would have the potential to be the highest grossing opening week in the history of movies. From a selfish standpoint, I can't decide if I like this idea. On one hand, I'd have to pay 10 bucks to see it, when in past years I could just watch it for free. However, this would be just about the most fun a person could have at the movie theater. Thoughts?

-Finally, you know what else starts next Monday night? The Hills is back, bitch. Try to contain yourself, Smalls. Initially, I thought there was going to be a scheduling conflict between two of my favorite shows, but the TV gods were looking out for us. Jack Bauer followed by Heidi and LC. Catch the fucking fever.

Predicting the future

If not for the post-Katrina Saints, the Jets would have easily been this year's feel good story in the NFL. Rookie head coach, rookie offensive coordinator with the surname Schottenheimer, no run offense, no run defense. But, as usual, the Chad Pennington media lovefest stole the off-season, pre-season, regular season, and post-season headlines.

I am a season-ticket holder who shows up to every home game sporting a number 10 replica jersey. I love the guy, I really do. There's a lot to admire about him - nothing flashy about his game, steady play (200 yards, 1 td, int every game), white guy from a slack college program, etc. etc. With 2006 being his first completely healthy season since being named starter after Vinny "the Guinea" Testaverde wore out his welcome on his first tour of duty with the Jets and, at age 31, this was an important year for Chad's progression as a bonafide, NFL-caliber QB. There was a time when Penn was compared to Joe Montana for his accuracy and guile. Not anymore. Even after this unexpectedly successful season, one thing is clear to me: Chad Pennington will never lead the Jets to the Super Bowl. The Jets offense will never have a complete passing game with Chad throwing 6 yard slants to Coles and 4 yard button-hooks to Cotchery. They desperately need a dynamic, game-changing back to carry the load on offense because Schottenheimer's Pennington-modified offense will never be able to get the jets beyond the first or second round of the playoffs. Not to say that teams haven't won Super Bowls without a high-powered passing game, but those other elements (defense, running game) will never come together in the Chad era because the Jets won't be bad enough to draft a stud or two in consecutive years.

The Eric Mangini system is complex and unique, which will give the Jets a fighting chance in every game for years to come. However, with Chad Pennington at the helm, the franchise will be limited to the same story every year - gitty team that can make some noise in the early rounds of the playoffs. The Patriots have had similar teams with the same system as the Jets currently have in place. Really hate to say it, but because Brady can effectively throw the ball down field, the Pats offense will always one-up Gang Green. Chad, because of his incentive-laden contract for this season, is due to earn $6million next season. Is it time to turn the offense over to Kellen Clemens?

Anyhow, the Jets played a much closer game against the Pats than the score actually indicated. Mangini blamed the loss on poor execution. That assessment was absolutely correct. If the Jets had any shot of a win against NE, they needed to execute near perfection. Oh well. Thanks for a surprisingly good season, and lets go ... Chargers?

Hey Speck, is this how blogs are supposed to work? I feel like I just wrote a "parting shot" for next Sunday morning's edition of Sports Reporters. Was I supposed to ask interesting, thought-provoking questions?