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After starting out like the Jasmine St. Claires of blogging, we needed a day off for things like recharging our batteries, sifting through all the fan mail, turning down more lucrative offers to write for higher profile blogs, and, um, working. Oh, but we're back today, faithful Type Slow reader. Despite feeling like shit and being tired as hell - thanks to an ill-advised Wednesday night out on the town - I'm attempting to bring the pain today.
This weekend has the potential to be an all-timer given the options on the tube, plus we get Monday off (by the way, we did not get MLK Day off in Denver - fucking racists). No fewer than three of the four games have 'classic' potential. Throw in the fact that Jack, LC, and Heidi all become part of our lives again, and we're looking at one of the best weekends in at least two weeks. Methinks the DTs coming on Monday morning could be rather violent.
Anyway, today's topic is game picking. I'm about to pick games and win you money. I realize that not all of you know me, but know this: I'm good at picking things. Football games, scabs, poorly thrown pigskins, noses, you name it. Steps to follow today after reading this include: 1) call bookie, 2) give bookie my picks, 3) make her open the box, and 4) win money. So far this postseason, I'm four and oh. The strategy I generally employ for pick-making is to always side with the team that is going to win money for me, and that's mostly because I like winning money. To make this a little more fair so Smalls even has a chance, I'm gonna make these picks with one hand tied behind my back. Yes, typing that way may mean I might not get this published before the games start, but it's only fair. So here we go...
Indianapolis @ Baltimore (-3.5)
It seems like almost everyone is picking Baltimore to win this game for some reason. And that reason is because they are stupid. This is one of those games where each team's strength matches up with the other's strength, and the same holds true for their weaknesses. Conventional wisdom says that defense wins. Well, fuck convention. Indy has the great Peyton Manning, who has proven over and over that he simply cannot be stopped when the calendar flips over to January. What has Steve McNair ever done? The closest he ever got to winning the Super Bowl was driving the Titans to within a yard of the game-winning touchdown. And it was a long yard. OK, so history is definitely not on my side and says bet against Manning and the Colts because they are the football version of Slappy McBluelips. Whatever. If Aaron Brooks can keep finding employment as a starting quarterback in the NFL, anything can happen. I'm going Colts with the outright win, it's too early for Peyton to choke.
Philadelphia @ New Orleans (-5)
This is a hard game to pick, but since I'm not doing anything else and it's kind of the point of this post, I'm going to go ahead and pick it. Philly has been mowing through teams like the Legend through chicks at the 2006 Brewster High Winter Formal. New Orleans has a lot of good things going for it, like an overwhelming home field advantage and the entire country pulling for it, plus the team is kinda good. But everyone knows you can't win a Divisional Playoff game with a gay quarterback (I know, it's an unsubstantiated claim, but can we possibly question Terrell Owens's credibility at this point?) unless you are the 1969 Jets. I think it will be close, with the difference being a John Carney field goal. Saints march on, but Philly covers.
Seattle @ Chicago (-8.5)
The main thing this line tells us is that crack is still widely available to oddsmakers in Vegas. This is the playoffs, for Peter Party's sake! Who cares if Seattle should have lost and probably would have a tough time competing in 5A Florida High School Football. This is the NFC goddammit! No team in the playoffs these days is really 8.5 points better than another, especially in the NFC. I'm calling a push with Chicago taking it 28.5-20. Psych. Chicago will win, but Seattle will cover. Take the points
New England @ San Diego (-4.5)
Better known as: The Only Game That Matters. Look at the facts: 1) We got Brady, 2) We got Belichick, 3) We got Vinny, 4) We've already seen SD once earlier this year, 5) They got Marty, and 6) P-Riv is ascared of Vince Wilfork. Also, Brady has never lost consecutive Divisional Playoff games. Look that shit up. OK, admittedly, I'm nervous for this game. These aren't the invincible Pats of 2004 and the Bolts have lots of good players. I think this is gonna be a close game and you know who we turn to when the games are close. Too bad he's a Bitch Horsey. None of that noise I said before matters; I think the Pats are losing this game. But at least they'll cover for us!
Yeah, so taking the road dog in all four Divisional Playoff games is pretty crazy. Crazy like a fox.
Til next time.
This weekend has the potential to be an all-timer given the options on the tube, plus we get Monday off (by the way, we did not get MLK Day off in Denver - fucking racists). No fewer than three of the four games have 'classic' potential. Throw in the fact that Jack, LC, and Heidi all become part of our lives again, and we're looking at one of the best weekends in at least two weeks. Methinks the DTs coming on Monday morning could be rather violent.
Anyway, today's topic is game picking. I'm about to pick games and win you money. I realize that not all of you know me, but know this: I'm good at picking things. Football games, scabs, poorly thrown pigskins, noses, you name it. Steps to follow today after reading this include: 1) call bookie, 2) give bookie my picks, 3) make her open the box, and 4) win money. So far this postseason, I'm four and oh. The strategy I generally employ for pick-making is to always side with the team that is going to win money for me, and that's mostly because I like winning money. To make this a little more fair so Smalls even has a chance, I'm gonna make these picks with one hand tied behind my back. Yes, typing that way may mean I might not get this published before the games start, but it's only fair. So here we go...
Indianapolis @ Baltimore (-3.5)
It seems like almost everyone is picking Baltimore to win this game for some reason. And that reason is because they are stupid. This is one of those games where each team's strength matches up with the other's strength, and the same holds true for their weaknesses. Conventional wisdom says that defense wins. Well, fuck convention. Indy has the great Peyton Manning, who has proven over and over that he simply cannot be stopped when the calendar flips over to January. What has Steve McNair ever done? The closest he ever got to winning the Super Bowl was driving the Titans to within a yard of the game-winning touchdown. And it was a long yard. OK, so history is definitely not on my side and says bet against Manning and the Colts because they are the football version of Slappy McBluelips. Whatever. If Aaron Brooks can keep finding employment as a starting quarterback in the NFL, anything can happen. I'm going Colts with the outright win, it's too early for Peyton to choke.
Philadelphia @ New Orleans (-5)
This is a hard game to pick, but since I'm not doing anything else and it's kind of the point of this post, I'm going to go ahead and pick it. Philly has been mowing through teams like the Legend through chicks at the 2006 Brewster High Winter Formal. New Orleans has a lot of good things going for it, like an overwhelming home field advantage and the entire country pulling for it, plus the team is kinda good. But everyone knows you can't win a Divisional Playoff game with a gay quarterback (I know, it's an unsubstantiated claim, but can we possibly question Terrell Owens's credibility at this point?) unless you are the 1969 Jets. I think it will be close, with the difference being a John Carney field goal. Saints march on, but Philly covers.
Seattle @ Chicago (-8.5)
The main thing this line tells us is that crack is still widely available to oddsmakers in Vegas. This is the playoffs, for Peter Party's sake! Who cares if Seattle should have lost and probably would have a tough time competing in 5A Florida High School Football. This is the NFC goddammit! No team in the playoffs these days is really 8.5 points better than another, especially in the NFC. I'm calling a push with Chicago taking it 28.5-20. Psych. Chicago will win, but Seattle will cover. Take the points
New England @ San Diego (-4.5)
Better known as: The Only Game That Matters. Look at the facts: 1) We got Brady, 2) We got Belichick, 3) We got Vinny, 4) We've already seen SD once earlier this year, 5) They got Marty, and 6) P-Riv is ascared of Vince Wilfork. Also, Brady has never lost consecutive Divisional Playoff games. Look that shit up. OK, admittedly, I'm nervous for this game. These aren't the invincible Pats of 2004 and the Bolts have lots of good players. I think this is gonna be a close game and you know who we turn to when the games are close. Too bad he's a Bitch Horsey. None of that noise I said before matters; I think the Pats are losing this game. But at least they'll cover for us!
Yeah, so taking the road dog in all four Divisional Playoff games is pretty crazy. Crazy like a fox.
Til next time.
posted by Speckled Trout at
3:53 PM
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